Mandeville, LA - Exclusive Audio and Transcript - Now they want to come after the school lunch pizza. Yes, this will save the union. This will save the country from itself. Just imagine how many little waddling around fat bastards will be uncreated if Michelle Obama and company can just get ahold of who it is that makes the pizza. This could have been something that Herman Cain could have run on. Check out today's Daily Clip for more...
Begin Mike Church Show Transcript
Mike: I have this story as the headline on today’s Pile of Prep. The question isn’t if Congress should regulate school lunch pizza, it’s whether Congressmen who think so survive impeachment.
AG: It’s a little flip of the headline that I sent you, yeah.
Mike: Well, I had to edit it a little bit to make it fit in the headline box, but it’s true. Now they want to come after the school lunch pizza. Yes, this will save the union. This will save the country from itself. Just imagine how many little waddling around fat bastards will be uncreated if Michelle Obama and company can just get ahold of who it is that makes the pizza. This could have been something that Herman Cain could have run on. [mocking Cain] “I have experience in this. I say the pizza ought to be made of 9-9-9, nine percent fat, nine percent sauce and nine percent vegetables.” By the by, did you see last Thursday in the Wall Street Journal that Herman Cain had an editorial promoting a return to the gold standard?
AG: I’d seen the headline. I hadn’t delved into it.
Mike: You didn’t read it but you saw it?
Mike: He’s promoting the gold standard. I went, “You go, Herman.” What is the name of his group? We were following it at one time. Was it the New 9-9-9?
AG: Some kind of 9-9-9 bus tour.
Mike: It was [mocking Cain] “9-9-9.” Anyway, I thought I would pass that along. If you think I’m making this story up, folks, I can’t make this stuff up. As a matter of fact, I’m getting tired of reading it because it’s so darn silly. Here it is: “Democratic Congressman Polis wants feds to regulate pizza in school lunches.” Well, it’s got to work better than actually governing, right? So you elect your member of Congress now she he can write rules for what’s in the sauce. Can you see the campaigns taking place in the ads? [mocking] “In 1998, Congressman X stopped by a Godfather’s Pizza and ordered a pizza with extra cheese, with extra feta cheese, with extra pepperoni, with extra all sorts of fattening ingredients. From that day forward, he gorged on fat-inducing, fat-laden pizzas. Along came Congressman X and he ate Weight Watchers pizza.” You know what’s a surefire way to cure yourself out of wanting to eat pizza? I’ve only heard this. You know what that is? Do you like pizza? I can cure you.
AG: I’m a big fan, yeah.
Mike: I can cure you of it.
AG: I’m not sure if I want to hear it then.
Mike: I won’t mention the name of the outfit because I don’t want to get in that sort of a war or that practice. If you subscribe to a certain diet plan that delivers your food --
AG: The one that Charles Barkley . . .
Mike: Barkley could be one of them. If you eat their pizza, you’ll never eat pizza again.
AG: Like cardboard?
Mike: I’ve heard the reason you lose weight on that thing is because you won’t eat anymore. You’re like Rodney Dangerfield in the movie Easy Money. You get your breakfast and all the kids are porking out on pancakes and waffles and sausage and bacon and eggs and what have you. Your wife plunks down a little saucer in front of you with three pills on it. You go, [mocking Dangerfield] “Hey, I tell ya, I don’t get no respect. Hey, Maude, where’s my breakfast?” What was his name in Easy Money? Whatever his name was, [mocking] “There’s your eggs, there’s your bacon, and there’s your vegetables. You do get a glass of orange juice.” Of course, she didn’t know that the orange juice was loaded down with high fructose corn syrup and that’s probably what was making Rodney fat. So Congressman Polis wants to regulate pizzas.
Polis said Congress and fast-food lobbyists were able to nix a similar Agriculture Department plan last year.
Mike: I have a question. Why is the Agriculture Department regulating pizza to start with? This is one of the things we have to borrow money for. Remember in the first hour, I played for you Alan Simpson’s rundown of Senator Simpson who was on the Simpson-Bowles Debt Commission. Simpson broke it down over just how bad this situation is. We should go back to reset the first hour. Let me play Simpson. See if you can find, in all the revenue that was collected last year for the general government, see if you can find regulating pizza in there.
[start audio clip]
Simpson: They’re going to be punished. I really believe that many of these people who swear that they won’t touch precious Medicare, precious Medicaid, precious Social Security and precious defense, the people will know these people are full of it. They’re full of BS. You can’t get there without touching those big ones. In fact, right now, last year, the income into the United States, excise, tariff, income tax only covered three things. Every cent of revenue covered Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security and we had to borrow everything for defense, Homeland Security, culture, research and development, infrastructure. Madness. I think they’re going to punish guys because they know they’re just damn liars.
[end audio clip]
Mike: So did you hear pizza in what we collected taxes for and spent it on last year?
AG: I did not.
Mike: I didn’t hear pizza. So we’re borrowing money from China, we’re borrowing money from the American investors that have it, we’re borrowing money from Saudi Arabia, we’re borrowing money from Japan, we’re borrowing money from anyone that will loan it to us so we can regulate pizzas. Does this make any sense to anyone? But I’m the crazy one saying we need to reset the entire thing and start all over again. I’m the nut.
End Mike Church Show Transcript