RON PAUL SUPPORTERS: MEET “THE CHOICERS”
Anonymous Location, Azusa - Margaret Thatcher is famous for many things but not for her standup joke routine perhaps that should change. One evening while dining with some dignified heads of state and her staff at a posh London steak house, Lady Thatcher was asked what her meal preference was, all chatter ceased as Thatcher sternly replied “I will have the Beef Wellington”. While the waiter moved to his next query the chatter resumed “and for the vegetables?” he inquired. Lady Thatcher looked about her and quipped “They will have also have the Wellington.” This parable adequately sums up “Decision 2012”, those who aren’t leaders are vegetables that can be planted, pruned, fertilized, hosed and picked for consumption. Of course these melons are harvested for their votes because the act of voting today in these United States seems to account for granting permission to have one’s property stolen at whatever the preferred candidates rate of favor is, my what a sad choice. In observation of this I present the following pasquinade.
To register your opposition to participate in this ritual or heaven forfend to commit apostasy by disavowing the compulsory choice A or choice B paradigm risks having one’s sanity, patriotism or membership with Netflix questioned. In extreme cases an electoral heretic may even be “de-friended” on Facebook or even worse “un-followed” on Twitter. I wish to enter into the public lexicon, therefore a new noun to be used in describing the “voters” written of above: Choicers. To hear the Choicers tell the tale, there is evil all around us in this country, a country that in the next breath we’ll hear “is the greatest man ever created.” The evil comes in two forms. The first in the form of a domestic policy agenda that can best be described as strapping beau male on a date with other side of the tracks female and a bottle of Boone’s Farm Kountry Kwencher: anything goes so long as I can deny it tomorrow.
The second is a drive-in movie double-feature where Oliver Stone’s “Platoon” meets “Pin Head” in “Mesopatamia HellRaiser.” Sovereign foreign states aren’t very sovereign unless our grand military poobah, call him President, declares that they are and even then they are only spared American combat boots in their streets for aesthetics while flyover, killer drones take over “walking the beat.” Now before you can yell “Constitution” in a crowded green room at Fox News just hang on a minute because the Choicers will get really mad at you if you bring that dead letter up. After all, when Moses handed the pen to Thomas Jefferson to write the Constitution, “creating the greatest country in the history of Earth” he knew it was impossible to pledge fidelity to it (unless you’re Ron Paul) so he left some words circled in a Websters dictionary to help us amend it without actually amending it. Words like “AUMF” (authorization to use military force) which I am pretty sure my stepfather used to call me and “trillion” which used to be limited to punch lines describing an unfathomable ransom in Austin Powers movies.
The Choicers assure us though that “on our way back to the Constitution” we have other helpful, Six-Sigma-approved words that help assure the “prosperity” of the “coming American century”. Words like “NDAA, SOPA, TSA” and that most ubiquitous of all beneficent acts of “the greatest country in the history of ... well, the Galaxy”, MediCare. (That is the galaxy called Xcessia when viewed from Andromeda.) The Andromedians must watch us for comedic entertainment on ‘must see black hole TV’, “...hey Brxzeric, did you see the episode of ‘The Romenator’ about Big Bird!?” How deliciously duplicitous that while both of the Choicer’s “candidates” slug it our over Big Bird spending which amounts to a pea sized wad in a cauldron of fake cash the size of Michael Moore there seems to be no acknowledgement that we could take out a flock of 20,000 Big Birds with a Browning 12 gauge and still not reach a federal balanced budget. Oh well, balance is something Americans only need supplies of in their running shoes these days.
In the little world I occupy, I try and balance my knowledge of the past and my desire to not commit sin in the present with the choice the Choicers have given me but I keep having nightmares about my service in purgatory this causes. I have been told that “truth” and “principle” only matter in non-election years if those virtues matter at all. “Realists” the Choicers howl at me, know that when my house is broken into while I am inside it and the thief insists on having an Austin Powers shag with my daughter, it is better to settle on just 2 minutes instead of the usual 3 because “at least she’ll get to live to fight another day.” Well, what happens if word gets out of my larceny promiscuity and the next thief settles for 3 out of the usual 4 minutes? Not to worry bellow the Choicers, “it’s better than being a Canadian!”, and so it goes, alas.
With less than 28 days remaining to our rendezvous with mediocrity I offer the following contrition to my Choicer friends: the only thing I have to do on this Earth is not injure my path through St Peter’s gates of pearl while working at the same for my wife & children. This requires but some simple, humble actions: be honest, be humbled in His presence and vote in elections only if I Choose to after considering the preceding. If “the most important election of our lifetimes” was actually at stake this Nov 6th, I would with manly vigor, give it my every approbation and then do all I could to see to it that Jesus of Nazareth, was reelected King